Please your man, lady!

Learn what he really wants in the bedroom and why

                                                                      Show heaven to your man!



Freud called female sexuality “the dark continent”; if that’s true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. But when it comes to sex, guys are simple, right? Not true. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, and as such, what you see and hear is typically the role, not the reality. It’s no wonder, in trying to please the actor, a woman loses sight of a guy’s true identity. Here are 10 “unmasking” facts you may want to know:

1. We Respond to Praise

It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.

2. We Fear Intimacy…

…but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—not because it’s smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.

3. We Appreciate Sex for Sex’s Sake

Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little “throw-me-down sex” is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, “Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.” On occasion, try letting him ravish you.

4. We Are Not Just Our…

The penis gets all the press, but men have “many erogenous zones,” says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. “Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.” Like the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.

5. We Encourage Fantasies

“Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,” says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.

6. We Like It When You Talk

Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.

7. We Need Your Honesty

Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.

8. We Enjoy the Dance

Men like a good quest; unfortunately, these days, there are so few. But romance earns that distinction. Allow us to court you; make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: “Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance.” How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls “separate sexuality”: a sexual life that doesn’t include, but doesn’t betray, the other. “For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy.” Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.

9. We Can Explain Pornography

Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn’t be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4 percent of the population, so it’s unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, “no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man.” Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex, with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of “what about it turns him on versus what turns you off.” That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity and closeness.

10. We Always Need It, But Not for the Reason You Think

Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. “Men see sex as a celebration,” says Dr. Schaefer. “They wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It’s easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure and opportunity that sex affords us. On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung.” If that doesn’t make you want to “seize the day” (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the “bonding hormone,” bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure and promotes healing.

Why we have affairs?

 

In her 1 year of counseling couples I discerned 17 reasons that people have extramarital affairs. In a near majority of couples, one partner will cheat on the other at some point.


 Q: Is there a pattern in the way that affairs begin?
 
People say, "I never meant for this to happen." They're being honest when they say that. Typically, they're in a committed relationship, but they aren't perfectly happy. No one who was perfectly happy in their primary relationship gets into a second one. They're a lot unhappy, or maybe just a little. Maybe they have no plans to cheat. And then the other person somehow floats onto their radar screen. The image that I have is like someone who has been wandering around with a couple of empty wine glasses who suddenly meets someone with a bottle of wine. And so they want a little taste. It starts very innocently. Very slowly they get to know each other. It's often an emotional affair to begin with. Maybe they have long conversations, whatever. However it happens, eventually they realize that they've crossed some sort of line. But they realize it after they've crossed it. And it feels wonderful because it was a line they were hungry to cross. But it also feels terrible because they know it's cheating, and they know they never wanted to be a cheater. But it keeps going. Think about it. If you don't want to divorce, and there are many reasons people don't — for the children, for financial reasons, they don't want the stigma of a divorce — this is a way people cope. They have the illusion that no one will know. If I get a divorce, it's a public act and everyone will know that my marriage failed, that I'm a failure. But if I have an affair, I'm able to pretend that everything's O.K. and no one will get hurt. So they find themselves involved in the two relationships and it looks as though it could work. And the guilt seems manageable. And they're not really thinking about the future. They feel like they've got this wonderful, wonderful present, and it seems to solve all their problems.

Q: Can that last?
 
It never lasts. It can't. Being in two relationships is inherently unsustainable. It's like a house of cards. And the longer it keeps going, the more likely it is to come crashing down. And then the pressure mounts and the central structure is that three-way tug of war. The person who is cheating is just trying to keep everything stable, the same, not changing anything. The two other people, the lover and the spouse, are putting pressure on, if the spouse knows about it. If the spouse doesn't, she still is wanting more time, more fun. She puts pressure on anyway.

Q: Do most people get caught?
 
Yes. Inevitably there are slip-ups. In the stories I hear, they find a gift in a pocket of a coat and they think it's for them and they're so excited, and then they never get the gift. I mean, it's just heartbreaking. So it all blows up eventually.

Q: Do people who decide, during an affair, to leave their marriage often end up staying with the person they cheated with, or is that just a way of getting out of the relationship?

There are 17 reasons people have affairs, and you've just talked about one of them. I call it the Ejector Seat affair. People use the relationship as a way to get out of the marriage. That is a real reason. They're afraid to leave the marriage, and they're hoping that an affair will end things. Either the spouse will kick them out or the lover will give them the courage to quit.

Q: Let's talk about some of the others. What is the See-If affair?

If your motive is to see if what you've been missing in your marriage can be gotten with someone else, and if so does it make as much of a difference as you thought, then you're in a See-If affair.

Q: What about the Heating Up Your Marriage affair?

This is subconscious for people. They don't actively say, "I'm going to go and heat up my marriage." But unconsciously they're hoping that either the affair itself or their spouse finding out about it will make things more passionate in the relationship.

Q: Is that a good strategy?
 
Well, none of these are great strategies, but you have to assume that there's a hidden wisdom. People are coping. People are doing the best they can. There's something they're hungry for and they're not getting it in life. And an affair is a way for people to try to get what they're needing.

Q: What about the I Just Needed to Indulge Myself affair?

Look, it may not be noble, but the fact is that some people work so hard and they really don't know how to take care of themselves and give to themselves. And an affair occurs to them as the best way they know how to give themselves some pleasure. You don't really think very highly of someone like that, but there are people like that.

Q: I'm intrigued by the Let's Kill this Relationship and See if It Comes Back to Life affair. What is that?

This happens unconsciously also. The idea is that once an affair is discovered, it will deliver a blow that will either kill your relationship or make it stronger. And it often does. The sex becomes much more passionate for some people.

Q: The Having Experiences I Missed Out On affair?

This is true for a lot of women who weren't in many relationships before they got married — men as well — [who] feel there are experiences that are important that they missed out on. And an affair is the best way they can think of to get those experiences.

Q: Let's take the last one. How about a mid-marriage crisis affair?

Without time and attention, marriages get stale or feel full of problems. They're tired and frustrated with their marriages and not knowing what else to do. You have an affair. It's about the stage the marriage is in. And the way we live today. Everyday life is terrible for love. Love needs time, and time is the air love breathes, and people have no time. On the weekends, they're running around schlepping, doing all kinds of things. And where do you have the time you had when you were falling in love? It just doesn't exist for people anymore.

Q: What do you say to someone who comes to you and says, "I can't choose; I don't know who to stay with"?
 
If you want to work with me, O.K., first accept the fact that your view of your lover and your spouse are both skewed. Things always seem great with the lover, it's always so romantic and sexy, special, sporadic and, most of all, new and exciting. But guess what? New gets old. I wish I had a nickel for everyone who married their lover and found they replicated what they had with their spouse, with the added poverty of a post-divorce lifestyle. And in the same way, spouses are usually not as bad as they seem. After all, the person who is cheating is withdrawing energy from their marriage and has alleviated their guilt by bad-mouthing or bad-thinking their spouse. But when people work on their marriage and put the lover by the wayside, they're often very surprised at how much things can improve. Another piece of advice I'd say is, lovers are often little more than the crowbar you needed to get out of your marriage, but you don't need to marry the crowbar. That's a mistake a lot of people make. They feel so guilty, they then marry the person they had the affair with.

Q: Are you still optimistic about marriage after hearing so many bad stories?
 
Oh, sure. Just because people have problems doesn't mean they can't solve their problems. It's a terrible way to have to wake up, but I work with so many couples who've gone through all of the stages and come out the other end in a much better place than they ever were, especially if they don't tell. And the problem with telling is that you're then taking all of the time in therapy and in your life where you should be focusing on making the relationship the best it can be. You spend it just talking about the past. [But] no one can change the past.

So . . . do you want to have an affair?